Fighting Without Being A Jerk
Fighting with your partner is an essential element to a healthy relationship. Say what?! Yes, it is a good sign that you and your partner have fights and disagreements. Fighting releases tension and encourages communication. It also increases trust in yourself and your partner. When you have a disagreement about an issue, you are expressing your emotions or thoughts, listening to the same of your partner and working together to solve the issue. Expressing your emotions increase your belief in yourself and listening and working with your partner on the issues increases your understanding or misunderstanding of each other. When the topic has been hammered out, you are able to come together with your partner with a better understanding that a fight doesn’t have to mean that the relationship is over and that the two of you are strong enough to come out on the other side.
Of course, fights are not always productive or end in mutual understanding. Sometimes or maybe most of the time, you or/and your partner fight like jerks-acts of selfishness, cruelty, manipulation and outbursts are common in many couples. So let’s delve into what not to do and then we’ll look at what you should be doing in my next post. Ready! Set! Don’t be an ass!
Fighting Without Being a Jerk Ground Rules
Stay on topic. I see this ALL the time in my sessions. This is how it looks: “I just want you to put away your phone during dinner. It’s rude and distracting. And why do I have to deal with your mom and you’re always late to pick up the kids!” Sometimes you feel like you want to get it all out, I get that, but nothing will be solved if you flood your partner with all the ways in which they suck on a daily basis. It will shut them down or set them up to feel that they need to defend their actions. No progress will be had.
Cut out the name calling, belittling and cheap shots. I often see couples in my office attempting to have a productive discussion and one of them will throw in a verbal jab which knocks down the whole conversation. Couples that routinely use these tactics in arguments often benefit from having a therapist observe and point out this type of destructive interaction. It is often difficult for couples to notice when they are being jerks as this form of argument may be the norm in the home.
This may seem obvious but it needs to be said-throwing things, hitting, screaming and slamming doors needs to stop post haste. This type of fighting is scary, unproductive and abusive (hitting). This kind of fighting is also very scary to children and pets.
It’s not time for an argument when one of you is hungry, drunk or really tired/exhausted. We’ve all had these fights and it never ends with hugs.
And finally, avoid making flippant comments such as “I want to end this”, “I want a divorce”, or “I’m done” during a heated exchange. You may feel like leaving the relationship at the moment, but wait until you have calmed down to have that sort of discussion. Often times, couples use these phrases to end an argument or grab their partner’s attention. This tactic used regularly wears down the relationship and makes for a difficult fight.